So I’m walking down the street to the coffee shop where I do all my serious writing (well, I think it’s serious), minding my own business, when I pass this sign outside of one of the restaurants there. I stop. I take two steps back and look again. Yup, that’s what it says.
Anyone who has actually read my “about” page knows I occasionally identify as a dork, so of course my first thought is:
What side would they serve with me?
Other questions soon follow (keep in mind I’m still standing out on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, probably staring all buggly-eyed, thinking these things, while the patrons inside are looking out wondering if I’ve popped a fuse):
- How do they serve dorks? Do we come with a sauce?
- Where do they harvest their dorks?
- Should I run? Like, now?!
- Should I be insulted I’m only worth $13.50, and with a side?
- Would I be less upset about this turn of events if I was served with macaroni and cheese, or covered with a dark chocolate sauce?
- What wine do you serve with a dork (I’m thinking something non-alcoholic).
After I reset my fuse and toddled along to the coffee shop to be prescribed my usual dose of caffeine, I began to wonder if they were in fact serving actual dorks or a dork substitute. Or perhaps they had an unfair opinion of dorks and charged them $13.50 extra (plus a side) if they ate there.
It wasn’t until I started writing this and my girlfriend walked past and saw the picture above that the truth was revealed–and it’s admittedly weirder than even I thought possible. But then this is Portland. So of course I turned to the Urban Dictionary, the fount of all knowledge and wisdom.
Sure enough she was right:
(n)a whale penis“The blue whale has the biggest dork on earth.”by Anonymous February 14, 2003
(Source: The Urban Dictionary, accessed 3/1/2015, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dork)
Well then . . . okay. It makes perfect sense now that this appears on the menu at a place called Dick’s Kitchen.
I’m thinking I don’t want to talk about it. What more could I possibly add to this .. other than: