Save the Dorks

IMG_0226So I’m walking down the street to the coffee shop where I do all my serious writing (well, I think it’s serious), minding my own business, when I pass this sign outside of one of the restaurants there. I stop. I take two steps back and look again. Yup, that’s what it says.

Anyone who has actually read my “about” page knows I occasionally identify as a dork, so of course my first thought is:

What side would they serve with me?

Other questions soon follow (keep in mind I’m still standing out on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, probably staring all buggly-eyed, thinking these things, while the patrons inside are looking out wondering if I’ve popped a fuse):

  • How do they serve dorks? Do we come with a sauce?
  • Where do they harvest their dorks?
    • Should I run? Like, now?!
  • Should I be insulted I’m only worth $13.50, and with a side?
  • Would I be less upset about this turn of events if I was served with macaroni and cheese, or covered with a dark chocolate sauce?
  • What wine do you serve with a dork (I’m thinking something non-alcoholic).

After I reset my fuse and toddled along to the coffee shop to be prescribed my usual dose of caffeine, I began to wonder if they were in fact serving actual dorks or a dork substitute. Or perhaps they had an unfair opinion of dorks and charged them $13.50 extra (plus a side) if they ate there.

It wasn’t until I started writing this and my girlfriend walked past and saw the picture above that the truth was revealed–and it’s admittedly weirder than even I thought possible. But then this is Portland. So of course I turned to the Urban Dictionary, the fount of all knowledge and wisdom.

Sure enough she was right:

(n)a whale penis
“The blue whale has the biggest dork on earth.”
by Anonymous February 14, 2003

(Source: The Urban Dictionary, accessed 3/1/2015,

Well then . . . okay. It makes perfect sense now that this appears on the menu at a place called Dick’s Kitchen.

I’m thinking I don’t want to talk about it. What more could I possibly add to this .. other than:

Bon Appetit!


  1. /me blinks
    I know what you mean about fuses !, I had to re-read that post several times to believe it.
    What kind of sides to you get with a whale willy? meatballs perhaps? or a plankton salad? the Jonah special?
    It’s just seriously weird.
    Is everything they sell penis related? maybe that’s why it’s called Dicks Kitchen, you Portlandierites are very strange. No that there’s anything wrong with that, strange is my peeps, but whale willys? really?
    No I think I’ll pass.

    I’m really not going to be able to hear the cry “dorks unite” again without thinking about this…
    /sarcasm “thanks Miki, that’s just great”
    /me facepaws

  2. Portland’s slogan – “Keep Portland Weird” – doesn’t.even.come.close…. to this… I think I’d stand and stare too. Or, maybe I’d just bust the eff up and I’d still get the stares as I would likely simply sit in front of the sign, laughing too hard to actually keep standing up.

    But uhm, then again…. EWWWWWWW OMG! this is too weird, even for Portland! O.o They can’t be for reals can they?? Like, seriously?!?! I agree with her ((looks up at the previous comment))… I’d pass too. In fact, I don’t think I’d ever be able to eat at that restaurant at all….ever. Because, if penis is EVER on the menu, in any form, I’m so not even going to want to KNOW what else they serve. (ok, I think I’m going to lose my lunch)

    Hmmm…. ((whispers to her girlfriend: NOT a good date spot! DULY NOTED!!!)) *giggle*

Your thoughts and ideas are welcome here. ^_^