RSS

Monthly Archives: February 2015

Poor Sport

It has been brought to my attention that I introduced the idea of writing memoir in my blog . . .  without actually writing any. Uhm . . . Busted!!

Geez, you guys. Make me write, whydon’tcha! ~sigh~

Okay, here goes  . . .

I was born in the mythical kingdom of Koozbeen, the only child of a badly rescued princess and a recently kissed frog, both on their second marriage. Life was good until the Bugblatter Beast of Traal arrived and ate the townsfolk . . .

No, that’s not right. Ugh. You all don’t really want to hear the whole genealogical regurgitation, do you? Yeah, neither do I. We’ll get to that later, when I can think of a way to put a better spin on it. Believe me, it’s not what you think. Unfortunately no townsfolk get eaten in that version–I’m sorry to get your hopes up on that part.

Instead, let’s be all random and start out with a piece I wrote about <sarcasm>my most favorite thing, sports, . . . during my most favorite part of life: high school.</sarcasm>

This was written for a creative writing class and actually read on stage in front of people. I don’t want to talk about it. It goes something like this . . .

Poor Sport

I have a confession to make: I’m a poor sport. It’s not that I lack sportsmanship—winning or losing isn’t a big deal for me.

I just don’t get it. Grown people running back and forth, killing themselves over a round orange or white ball, or a misshapen brown ball, or placing themselves in the path of a hard threaded Frankenstein ball someone just whacked with a big stick. All this excitement and injury over who gets the ball. It’s just silly. And people pay big bucks to watch them do this. It seems to me if they just gave everyone their own ball—whichever color or shape that works for them—they’d all be happy and stop running around jumping on each other.

Of course, my confusion about playing sports may stem from how badly I suck at it—that’s what I meant about being a “poor sport.” It’s not that I didn’t try. Each time I was conscripted to play one of these competitive games in Phys. Ed. class, I’d give it my best. But—except for running—I’m just not built for that sort of thing. Thanks to several bullies I’ve had the enormous pleasure to meet in my life, I can usually outrun most anything. But make me kick or catch a ball along the way and I’m liable to make a dramatic face-plant on the turf, or knock over my fellow players like bowling pins.

20070812-02-01There is one sport I suck at in a particularly awesome way though:

Dodgeball…

Yet another silly game with balls, which I find ironic; but this one involves the biggest, strongest kids throwing stinging hard rubber projectiles at each other, but especially the easily-bruised geeky ones—like me. Someone was feeling particularly sadistic when they came up with this game.

I’m usually the last one picked for any team; but in this game, once I’m out on the polished gym floor, they get a surprise: If there’s one thing about me and pain, I’m good at getting out of its way. I can move! With a dozen of these hard rubber horrors whipping around at once, I can duck, jump, run or simply turn sideways and disappear.

Yes, sometimes that joke is true—at least back in my pre-college days.

Unfortunately, that’s where my talents end. If my team was winning, it was not due to any help from me. My throwing ability then was despicable, and catching a ball to get someone out was not an option.

If my team was losing, my evasive talents simply drew out their imminent death. At this point, the teacher would become impatient, watching my macabre survival dance, and dissolve the “do-not-cross” line between the teams. My assailants would then amass and move in for the kill. All my hard work would lead to circular bruises all over my body, rather than the expected one. You would think I’d figure this out and sacrifice myself early on … but apparently, I don’t have a mind for sports either; and survival is a hard habit to break.

In the end, with all such sports, my performance would amount to a spastic effort to avail, but end in a letdown to beat the lowest of expectations. Looking back now, it seems to make more sense to me, that if the team captains don’t really want to pick the geeky kid—the one trying to make herself invisible behind the climbing rope—and the invisible one doesn’t want to be picked—why not just let them sit out all the silliness and read a book, or play with their new calculator.

If exercise truly is mandatory, then they could be made to run laps around the field. This would’ve worked for me. I could say I ran circles around them all.

Advertisements
 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 28, 2015 in Bloggie Bits, Miki Bits

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

There is no “Me” in Memoir. Oh, wait . . . dammit!

There’s actually two of them. One is in French . . . talk about redundant.

So the thing is, I exhumed and re-animated this blog as the final project for my Women, Writing and Memoir class (or . . . I just started a literate version of the Zombie Apocalypse).

I’m actually earning credit writing this thing! (I KNOW, RIGHT!!)

But it has come to my attention, which is a hard thing to do sometimes, that there isn’t a whole lot of “Me” in my memoir-slash-bloggie-thing. Correction: There’s plenty OF me, but not a whole lot ABOUT me.

~holds hand to forehead, peers into the balcony section and utters a dramatic sigh~

Not getting out of it that easily, huh? (argh)

TARDIS2Well then, I suppose I’ll have to start feeding quarters to the old way-back machine and get it to dredge the channel for Bits of Miki. I hope they haven’t decomposed too much; otherwise I’m liable to get all sappy and serious, which makes me break out in hives.

But first, this message on the medium of “memoir”:

There’s Biography, right? And then there’s Memoir. ~looks closely~ okay, not quite conveying it.

The two are both wonderfully entertaining methods of telling a life’s story, but they are very different critters: Like Dogs and Octopusseses. Dogs will research, finding reliable dates to tell a story as History. Whereas Octopi (wait, an Octopi* is 8 x π, right?) will tell you a story from personal perspective–where the same event will happen slightly differently for each Octopus present based on their emotional focus at that moment. Octopi are all about emotion, where Dogs deal in events. Octopi can write poetically, where Dogs must keep it real. Octopi can be squidgy with the facts, as long as the meaning is authentic. Dogs just walked off in a fit of jealousy and disgust.

I don’t know why animals keep taking over my blog. ~sigh~

Anyway . . . what the octopi was trying to say was: the stories you are about to hear are true; the names, heights, genders, diets, occupations and shoe sizes may have changed to protect the innocent.

Stay tuned and buckle those seat belts . . . because it’s the law. ~giggle~

[ *My mathematician says that Octopi is = 25.13274122871835(…). My biologist seems to think that me and my mathematician are both three steps away from the loony bin. I’m more inclined to side with the math here. I think my biologist is still upset I set her poor cramped pet octopus free to live in nature . . . . how was I to know they can’t survive in the forest. I don’t want to talk about it. ]

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 27, 2015 in Bloggie Bits, Miki Bits

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Portland Don’t Need No Stinking Groundhog

FullSizeRenderThis is February, right? According to my computicator (computer calculator, for those of you who don’t speak Dork) February 26th is a mere few days from the mathematical middle of winter . . . and yet Portland, weird already in its own right (a blogger’s paradise in that respect), could care less: I’m walking around NW Portland, minding my own business, and all of the trees around me are literally exploding with blooms and flowers and buds and other non-wintery tree-like emoticons! It’s hard not to cry out “Woo-hooo!” in the common tree dialect and dance a little Springity jig!

Okay . . . I’m getting those wary looks from my fellow pedestrians . . . again. I don’t want to talk about it.

Is the flora here really that happy? Or is it all the pot smoke in the parks getting sucked up by the . . . oh, there are no leaves yet, are there? I’ll call my scientist–they’re like lawyers . . . everyone should have a scientist on retainer–to study secondhand pot smoke in dogs, peeing happy juice on unwary trees.This discovery could have global significance, right?!

Hold on, I need to go clear a spot on my mantle for my Nobel prize! I mean, there has to be some scientific basis for the oddness in this town. I’d hate to think I’m the only sane one here.

I wouldn’t put it past Portlandians to run off to Pennsylvania, hijack Punxsutawney Phil and set him up in a hippy communal flat, complete with Barcalounger and full-spectrum lights, to ward off his Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s not like we get many fear-worthy shadows here, with our cloudy winters. We’re practical that way. Or was it just weird. Oh, right . . . just weird.

Meanwhile, poor Winter is getting shooed out of Portland with nary a “better luck next year.” Or perhaps it got discouraged and wandered off on it’s own, hitchhiking its way to Montana where it can get some respect. “Come back when you can give us some snow!” cries Portland at its back, cackling insanely.

I might have imagined the cackling.

I just heard from my scientist, who seems bent on ruining my chances at a Nobel prize: she keeps asking me what I’m on and to stop pestering her until I give her some. It’s hard to get good help these days. =P

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 26, 2015 in Bloggie Bits, Portlandish Bits

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Blogging to the Cloud

Thinking about my new blog . . . ~sigh~  =)

Thinking about my new blog . . . ~sigh~

I was dying to mention my new blog to my awesome writing class today, but . . .

It was as if they could read my mind!!

Yikes . . .  I wish I’d done some cleaning in there first . . .

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 25, 2015 in Bloggie Bits

 

Tags: ,

Feline Probiscoid Poetry

0918120232Because there really isn’t enough poetry about snot–especially cute kitten snot. You’re welcome.

This is from a poetry class exercise about rhythm. So where this piece lacks subtlety and complestication (you know, complexity and sophistication, right? Try to keep up), which you’ve come to expect from me already, it totally makes up for it with its hip swinging, bass thumping, nose running beat! I’m just warning you so you don’t break out in dance in a public place and embarrass yourself. Like I do. More often than I care to admit. I don’t want to talk about it.

If only I could play the bass, turned up to 11, jamming on a stage with a hundred sniffling kittens dancing at my feet, all going “da-dum, da-da-dum, da-da-dum-dum … da-da-dum, da-da-dum, da-da-dum-dum, … “. I really do need to call my agent and go on the road with this. It’s amazing I’m not disgustingly rich yet, right??

Anyway, the lyrics poem goes something like this . . .

Teddy’s Nose
My kitty thinks he’s a bloodhound.
His snuffling search for an answer
to questions no one can fathom.

Dysfunction? Yes, I am certain!
If searching brings him some wisdom,
I’ll notice that in a second.

His tiny nose not designed for
the dusty task undertaken,
he suffers bad from congestion.

Who suffers more though I’m asking?
He’s clever where he expels it,
A target never too distant.

Nothing is safe from his sneezes.
Could it be premeditation?
Happenstance can’t be the reason.

An ankle, a hand;
computer or phone;
my homework or book.

There isn’t a thing
that’s safe from the goo
that spews from that nose!

An artist working his canvas
evolving patterns of snot-blobs
that dry upon my computer.

Why does he do this?
Is it just sharing?
Love can be gross I assure you.

I’m not so crazy to think it—
alone I’m not, for his sister
will often stare at him puzzled.

Apparently my agent had too many margaritas for lunch, because she totally didn’t get the sheer awesomeness of the kitten rock concert idea. She also told me to stop calling her with dumb ideas and assuming I have an agent just because I can call one. I’m thinking my lawyer has been calling around and playing a joke on me, because I called him a brontosaurus’s adenoid last night.

I meant it in a good way.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 24, 2015 in Bloggie Bits, Kitty Bits, Miki Bits, Poetical Bits

 

Tags: ,

Incarcerated for a book review?

I read this really awesome book with a mouse on the cover. I mean it wasn’t a real mouse sitting on the cover, because then I would have run away instead. Anyway, I read the thing (the book, not the mouse) and kinda fell for the author; so I Googled and found her here on WordPress and I thought I’d follow her, which now kinda makes it sound like I’m flirting with some kind of restraining order or something, which is making me nervous, when all I really did was leave this comment on her book–because the mouse really did an awesome job–and I’m not really sure now why she’d want to get a restraining order . . .  but, uhm, you can read the comment while I go get in touch with my lawyer just in case . . .

I mean, I really never thought this blogging thing would be so dangerous! Anyway, the comment went something like this:

Your comment is awaiting moderation. (Is this where they stall to call the cops? I’m not sure . . .)

I was just forced to read this book in a college writing class. My advice to you? Think twice before buying this book. Really. Unless you’re totally okay with completely embarrassing yourself laughing until you cry in public. Yes, I did this and it was not pretty. Don’t do it. Also, it’s dangerous: especially if you happen to be eating while you’re reading it … you’d be surprised by the sheer bulk of things you can shoot out of your nose while reading this book: milk, spaghetti, cough drops (yes, plural), small animals you didn’t know you were eating, … really, it’s too risky. Just don’t. One time I was caught laughing, like the I-can’t-stop-laughing type of laughing, in a lobby area I wasn’t supposed to be in anyway, when the security people arrived to investigate. They radioed for a straightjacket with a mere mention of a five-foot metal chicken. My escape was vicariously nothing like what you see in the movies. I don’t want to talk about it. All because of this book. You have been warned. I mean, it’s a chicken named Beyonce … there has to be something illegal here. I’m just saying.

So my lawyer says I really need to stop calling him because in fact I don’t really have a lawyer, and to stop watching movies where everyone has lawyers they can call and why am I all worried about this anyway. He did suggest I talk to a psychiatrist, but I don’t really have faith in ESP when it comes to legal matters, so I kind of ignored that part. I’ll call him again later when he’s in a better mood.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 23, 2015 in Bloggie Bits, Bookity Bits

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Beginnings . . .

As a beginning–or rebeginning (yes, I’m allowed to make up words, tyvm)–of my hapless blog addiction, I thought I’d share an apropos piece from my Women, Writing & Memoir class. It goes something like this . . .

Why are beginnings so hard?

Middles, that comfy popcorn-spilling-as-we-ignore-yet-another-movie-entwined-on-the-couch, seem so simple and inevitable. That so-perfect-we-can-just-let-it-happen practice at foreverness. Why don’t they give up on beginnings and just start relationships in the middle? I’m really good at middles, if I can only get past the beginnings.

Usually Zen and relaxed in the presence of other women, all it takes is an unexpected smile or a mysterious look from the right eyes and suddenly I find myself walking into the last interview of my dream job missing a shoe.

girl car breakdownIn the moments that follow, something goes clank under the hood: my speech centers misfire and stall, or wind up to a fever pitch with no direction to go. My eyes, once trusted to navigate the depths of a friend’s angst-ridden soul and plot a course to comfort, now seem out-of-balance gyros verging on gimbal-lock. And although I can’t see it from where I’m standing, I sense my body language has switched to an ancient form of semaphore, signaling to this lovely woman:

“The runway is open. The tower is aflame! Make your takeoff roll now!!”

Soon her enchanting smile dims to uncertainty, conversation veers from the fast lane to the pedestrian crosswalk, and then so does she. If only she could have seen who I really was.

If only we carried resumes, crisp off-white pages confirming the years of romantic service and exemplary skills in the face of love, detailed accounts of rendered kisses, massaged shoulders and feet, seemingly endless cuddles, misplaced Saturday mornings, laundry and dishes and meals joyfully created, giggling to tears and overlooked mistakes, races to say I’m sorry first, sunset walks holding hands, high fidelity and low maintenance and promises kept regardless, tallies of unexpected embraces, and turning to listen when she talks.

My resume is missing. Once more I’m ON …and no words can say what I’m wanting to say that won’t sound cheesy or crude, or perhaps even creepy. The First Impression monster has crept in, already checking off the destruction on a clipboard, shaking its head over the lost opportunity, another moment of life left unlived. Crime scene tape is unfurled as two souls part, wondering why life had no rewind button.

It’s not always this way. Strangers traipse into my life every day. But when the chemistry is missing my shyness lays sleeping, relaxed that nothing of importance is happening here. My true self wanders out and says hello, smiling and chatty and happy for the connection. The First Impression monster is observed daydreaming over coffee.

If ever I do see Love again, I’m sure it will have to sneak up on me, like in the movies, in the guise of someone so totally wrong for me that Shyness and First Impression run off to the beach together for the duration, giggling as they splash in the waves. And in moments of disinterested mundanity we let slip random anecdotes from our romantic resumes …

And it dawns on us: We can truly see each other—and the view is amazing!

Is it any wonder I’m majoring in making movies? I’m the perfectly hopeless protagonist of my own romantic comedy of errors. Or perhaps I’m just the pratfalling comedy sidekick.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 20, 2015 in Bloggie Bits

 

Tags: , , , , , ,